Saturday, February 14, 2009

What's not a real Canadian name?

Here's a comment I wrote on Dawg's Blawg about names that may not be really Canadian:

"I'm up for the challenge for determining what is a real Canadian name or not.

Let's go to the Oder-Neisse rivers between Germany and Poland. Anything west of Görlitz (without the umlaut), Germany might pass as real Canadian. Anything east of Zgorzelec, Poland is not really Canadian. Zbigniew Brzenski is not a real Canadian name. Too many weird consonant blends. The W is pronounced like a V or F. Bnai Brith is not really Canadian for the same reason. No BN's please.

Dillon is fine. Dhillon is unacceptable.

Any name from the Islamohindusikh religion is not kosher Canadian. I mean Canadian kosher, not Jewish kosher. Abdullah, Jagdeep, and Manpreet don't pass as real Canadian.

I remember a Sister Kuntz at UWO. That's fine. I also remember a Dr. De'ath at Laurier. That is unacceptable.

Mr. and Mrs. Dixon are fine with their real Canadian last name. Mr. and Mrs. Dixit are in trouble. They may come from Indipakabanglalanka where they may also be known as Mr. and Mrs. Dikshit.

Chinese-Canadians like to pretend sometimes that they are real Canadians. Wu Feng-shui may pretend she's Sarah Wu. Mao Ze-dong tries to pass as Chris Mao when he leaves the Pacific Mall in Markham. This won't work for Yu An-mei. Chinese-Canadians can't pretend that they have real Canadian names.

Black names are not real Canadian names. The exception is Conrad Black who has a real Canadian name even though he is no longer a real Canadian. Names like Shaquane and Shaniqua are too black. Therefore, they are not real Canadian names.

French names are OK if they are pronounced the real Canadian way. Bomb-a-deer is real Canadian name--not Bom-bar-dee-ay. Benoit should be pronounced Be-noyt, not like the ben-wa balls. Thankfully, real Benoit Canadians who live in Chicago, Illinois and Detroit, Michigan can always correct us.

Aboriginals are the first original real Canadians. However, their names are not really Canadian if they contain the name of an animal. Becky Bear and Sarah Deer are not real Canadian names. Neither is John Deer unless the name is found on the side of a green agri-business tractor. Bomb-a-deer is fine; Sarah Deer is not. Names that contain a Q without an accompanying U are unacceptable. Iqaluit is tolerable because real Canadians can pronounce the Q like a K. Iqaluit is a short name. Kujjuaqjuakimuatiqqakuumaqukaq is definitely not real Canadian!

Basically, a name is really Canadian if it can be found on a novelty bicycle licence plate at a gift shop.

'We need more BORT plates! We're running out of BORT plates!' said a store-clerk on The Simpsons. (Bart Simpson complained about not seeing his name.)

As for convicted criminal real Canadian non-Canadian Conrad Black, I'd be thrilled to accept him back into Canada if the United States can keep Céline Dion forever."

Added thought:

I feel as if I am writing like some Blogging Tory. I feel awful. Anyway, I did have fun writing this comment on Dawg's Blawg.

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